If you want to catch up on the previous posts in this series read the woman of my dreams and why we listen to Her voice. Today we begin to answer Her back…
In all this, please remember that I’m speaking as someone who is used to listening to Her and believing every word She says. I’m writing what I’m learning not what I have perfected!
It’s clear to us that we listen to Her critical voice in our head all too readily. Her voice is the default setting in our brains and we’ve lost the manual that shows us how to re-program them! In the last post I gave four reasons why we listen to her voice: We want to change. She speaks the truth. We feed her & We don’t recognise her voice. Now I want to respond to those reasons one-by-one and show you why we should tune her out. So first up:
We listen because we want to change. BUT…
…She wants to change everything.
It’s valuable to want to see change – a desire for growth and transformation in our lives is a good thing. The problem with Her is that she is not satisfied with moderate growth – she wants to change everything, completely, NOW. Only perfection will do.
This is why I so regularly want a complete life makeover. This is why I rarely celebrate the good things I have achieved. Because I believe the voice that says “it’s all or nothing”, I believe the voice that tells me “good isn’t good enough”.
This is just completely unreasonable and unattainable. The only result of this mind-set is to permanently make us feel as though we have failed completely each time we fail moderately. I may have managed to feed my kids and given one of them a bath. I may have sent a birthday card. I may have done the laundry. But because I didn’t bath all three kids, because the card was a day late, because the clean laundry hasn’t been put away she says “what a failure”.
Growth is good, but it’s always slow. Growth is good but it often includes pain, plateaus and pit-falls. Growth is good but it’s not the same as perfection.
So, to the woman in my head I say, “Shhhh”!
…She wants us to believe we are in control
She writes our to-do list and says, “if only you try hard enough you can become the woman of your dreams”. But She forgets to tell us that we are not God.
There are things I can control and things I can’t:
I can write a book, but I can’t control whether someone will want to publish it.
I can get up early to read the Bible or exercise each morning, but I can’t control what time the kids wake up.
I can set aside time to do the filing one afternoon, but I can’t control whether or not I get a headache and find myself unable to work.
(These are all ‘cans’ – I don’t mean to say I do any of them!)
Her voice never allows for the reality of life. There are all sorts of dramatic or mundane things that get in the way of our plans. We also have a God who reminds us that we can make all the plans we like but we’re not in charge of them.
So, to the woman in my head I say, “Shhhh”!
…She’s not satisfied until we’re dissatisfied.
There are some things I am never going to change:
- I am pale skinned, I have stretch marks, cellulite and varicose veins. Even if I was the same level of fitness as the girls in the pictures on Pinterest I would still not look like them.
- I love words but struggle with numbers. Even if I learn more about how to handle our finances I will never be a maths whizz.
- I am happiest when I’m still. Even though I enjoy the odd walk in the woods I am unlikely to become a super-playful, energetic whirlwind. No-one is going to describe me as ‘outdoorsy’ (-but I don’t think ‘indoorsy’ is a word yet).
I can’t make myself taller, smaller, French, younger or older (except the day by day way). I can’t change the way decisions in the past have impacted my present (e.g. commitment to thumb-sucking until I was 15 = slightly wonky teeth!).
Her voice tells me that these things I can’t change make me less than. She says these things are deficiencies and uses them against me – “you’ll always be unattractive, you’ll always be thick, you’ll always be lazy”. She might as well tell me off for having blue eyes. I need to stop taking her words to heart and look at the things that I can’t change and say “that’s fine, that’s me ” and refuse to be ashamed.
So, to the woman in my head I say, “Shhhh”!
And I need to say “Shhhh” again and again and again!
Have a think…
- What areas are you wanting to grow in at the moment? Will you be satisfied with growth or do you really hope for perfection?
- When you make plans are you realistic or do you become discouraged if they don’t work out?
- Do you relate to my temptation to be dissatisfied in the areas of life I just can’t change? How can you begin to accept that the things in your life that aren’t going to change?
- What specific ways do you need to say “Shhh” to Her at the moment?
- Are you indoorsy too?!
Thank you for this.
Oh YES! I am indoorsy!!! Why does she/the rest of the world perceive that to be a negative thing? Let’s start a campaign to have indoorsy recognised as a word (my phone has already accepted it!) and as a valid character trait!
At the moment she is reminding me about the patch of not-yet-clean in the bottom of my oven and not alowing me to feel pleased about the newly sparkling oven shelves I Oven Pride-d last night/ this morning. (With me she has a tendency to go in about housework because as a non-working mummy of children at school all day, I have to justify my existence, you see).
I’m glad you’ve been writing this series because I had never identified Her as a negative influence, I just saw the ways in which she wanted me to change and believed things would be better if I could. Thank you for reminding me to remember I’m not God and that even with the best of intentions I am not ultimately in control
I’m indoorsy too…thought about going for a walk today but ended up on the sofa with a cuppa &a mountain of work related reading!
Thanks Alice for these posts – really helpful and challenging. i especially liked the first point. I think I didn’t begin to learn until I had 3 children at home (and still need to remind myself) that if I got to the end of the day and ‘all’ I had done was keep the children feed and (relatively) clean and maybe played with them a bit it was Ok and I didn’t have to feel guilty about not achieving anything else. Still something I struggle with!
I like being outside a lot, I need more sky in my life. But I am more indoorsy-with-a-cuppa-and-a-book-or-a-tv series-y and I think the OED should adopt your new word. In short you are right, we don’t have to listen to her voice, the accuser is all too keen to point the finger and write more jobs on the list. God’s grace is sufficient and who are these people who have perfect lives?! I want to live like the freedom I have in Christ is true. God doesn’t lie, he isnt a killjoy, and he doesn’t judge me because when he looks at me, he sees his precious son on the cross, paying for my sin/shortcomings/failure etc. I don’t owe Jesus anything, I love him and gave my life to him. Just like I dont owe Andy, I love him and joined my life to his when we married.
Day to day life is hard enough for everyone, she really needs to Sshhhh on a permanent basis! Love to you Alice. X
Argh, hope that reads ok. When I say ‘I don’t owe Jesus anything’ it’s because my life and him are already intertwined and that woman’s voice tries to pile on the guilt that I don’t do enough!…
Ha, and yes, I realise that I also owe him everything. And nothing more. That’s the crunch point. Now I will stop. Can you tell this has got me thinking!? X
Rachel – I totally get what you’re saying and LOVE it. It’s TRUTH and we need all the truth we can get! x
I can so relate to this too – to change and not aim for perfection, to remember that I’m not in control, and to be satisfied and content with what I have been given. These are all areas I have in the past, and still do, struggle with.
With perfection, I often feel a failure when I don’t have the answer – so with Christian and non-Christian friends, I seem to think I should have all the answers, and feel a failure if I don’t. It’s ok to say ‘I just don’t know’ or ‘I struggle with that too’ or ‘I’m smaller than God, so I’ll leave that to him.’
Every day I wish my house was clean and tidy, but it isn’t. I choose to play with my kids on the floor, instead of sorting that pile of washing. I choose to check emails and Facebook instead of cleaning the bathroom. Sometimes it’s escape, sometimes laziness, sometimes just love… and I feel guilt about it all.
I often wonder what it was like for past generations – my mother brought us up in a very different world. No Facebook to drag her away from talking about ducks with a 2yo, no ‘interior design’ blogs to compare her home to. But I can’t just blame the internet – maybe I should go online less, but then how could I run my business if I didn’t check emails, and why am I even running my own business???
And there you have it – The Woman just wrote that last paragraph for me.
I need sleep and exercise [but only when we get our dream crosstrainer, because I too am indoorsy, definitely!]
xc
Well said Alice! Wonder if you could persuade a glossy women’s mag to publish this as an article?
Doubt it somehow! but it definitely deserves the widest circulation.
I, too, like the concept of indoorsy! But I think it’s one of those things that show that goals and aspirations are relative and different for everyone. I strongly suspect that “outdoorsy” was not coined as a term of approbation, but to describe someone in the past who was a bit tomboyish and not properly feminine. It reminds me (randomly) of a wonderful Oscar Wilde quote from The Important of Being Earnest. Cecily (country girl) and Gwendolyn (town girl) are talking politely but acidly over tea and cucumber sandwiches. Cecily remarks that when she sees a spade, she calls it a spade, to which Gwendolyn haughtily responds “I’m glad to say, I’ve never seen spade!”
(Having written that out it now seems totally irrelevant, but I refuse to delete it now for my bad editor.)
Mum, it’s perfect and I love it!
Ooh, wouldn’t that be fun Christine?! You’re so encouraging, thank you.
[...] The Woman of my Dreams series – Why we shouldn’t listen to her voice. Loving this series by Alice Buckley on how to deal with the perfectionist lies in our head, and [...]
“The only result of this mind-set is to permanently make us feel as though we have failed completely each time we fail moderately”
This is so true! I can’t believe how much this resonated with me when I read it and as you begin talking about in the next post She exaggerates and tells half truths…I know that sly smile from the hair dressers, the awkward silence between friends… I just think what you’ve written is excellent Alice and I’ve been really encouraged as you’ve helped me to see what’s going on in my head…glad I’m not the only one though!