I see most of you have met Her. The women who whispers poison into our minds. We agree She is a bully, we agree that the woman She wants us to be is decidedly unappealing. But what the heck do we do about Her?!
Even this week (in spite of the gag) She’s let her voice be heard in my life. She’s told me I’m a terrible mother and a disappointing wife.
Self destructive as it seems, there are reasons we listen to Her and there are reasons Her words cut us so deeply…
We want to change
I know I do! Even the most content person has goals and dreams. There are many great ways I could improve, grow and be transformed – and She knows this. She taps into our inbuilt dissatisfaction and uses it to create an unattainable job specification. Our perfectly reasonable desire to be more organised or change jobs or be fitter are twisted into: “clean and de-clutter the entire house every day”, “start my own successful business by the end of the year”, or “have a body like those pictures on Pinterest”.
She speaks the truth
The hardest thing about dealing with my own personal inner critic is that so much of what She says is true.
The accusations that I’m a terrible mother and disappointing wife? Well, truthfully, I really do struggle to have fun with the children a lot of the time. I’ve not been very cheerful around Dave and he takes the strain when I am weak. I’m neither mother nor wife of the year. I’ve failed and we’re only three weeks in!
Do you relate to this? Isn’t there always that ring of truth when She speaks? (More on this next time!)
We feed Her
She loves it when I spend an hour on Pinterest. I see fabulous ideas for playing with the kids, delicious looking meals, lovely clothes, beautiful crafts and toned bodies. She sees a wish list. She sees a challenge.
She loves it when I’m on Twitter or Facebook and when I read those ultra-beautiful blogs. They remind Her that I’m not as clever, not as adventurous, not as stylish, not as witty, not as good a writer as them.
She even loves it when I read the Lakeland catalogue, for goodness sake! “Ooh!”, She says, “Maybe if you had a steam mop your house would be cleaner life would be better”.
It’s Her food. It’s Her fuel. It’s Her ammunition. She shoots with deadly accuracy.
We don’t recognise Her voice
This horrible bully, this cruel task-master, this slave-driving witch has learned to speak with a voice that sounds just like ours. We don’t recognise the meanness and the crazy high expectations because that’s just what our thoughts always sound like. We’ve become totally used to Her.
And you know why Her voice sounds just like our own don’t you?
Because She is you. She is me.
There isn’t really another woman in my head – there is only me. I am my own bad friend, my most feared bully and my biggest critic.
In the next post I’m going to talk more about how we can learn to recognise the negative voice and begin to challenge it.
But for now…
- Do you relate to the four points above? Which one resonates most?
- What things feed ‘Her’ in your life? (social media? friends? books? magazines?)
- How does listening to ‘Her’ affect your thoughts and feelings about yourself?
I highly recommend reading the comments on the previous post - I found them reassuring, challenging and I really appreciated the honesty. Thank you. (I especially loved what my Mum wrote about ‘good enough’ parenting – she’s a good ‘un!) xxx
I did a fabulous course some years ago called ‘Search for Significance’ by Robert McGee. It examined all these issues (but not as beautifully as you describe them in these blog posts) and led to a brilliant understanding of how that inner voice can be changed into Jesus’ thoughts about you and your life through scripture…I think you might be heading this way….
Thank you Alice this is an awesome bit of writing. I love the person you are , not what SHE says you should be, otherwise I could not relate to you so well.
Dear, dear Alice. I so wanted to comment on the previous post but SHE told me my comment would be rubbish and after a few attempts to “get it right” I gave up.Cringe! I heartily agree with all 4 points; I do want to change (though often for my own benefit/glory…).She does speak some truth but never with love, only with condemnation, and only in a way that sends me spiralling downwards instead of praising Jesus for his victory over my sin, his sufficient grace and his deep love for me. Worst of all, I do not fortify myself against her attacks, I feed her and seek her out like a little child in thrall to the class bully. She is the Mother of Lies, this woman, a wolf in OUR clothing – the world, the flesh and the devil all wrapped up in one spookily-similar-to-me package. On my own, I don’t stand a chance against her!
Cat – “a wolf in our clothing” describes it so perfectly! Spot on. xxx
Entertaining negative voice messages has been an unhealthy habit of mine for far too long. And try as I do to rebuke them, I actually allow them to have their way the majority of the time. Sadly it only seves to make me more of my own worst enemy. This inner ‘she beast’ takes me captive and I always wind-up fighting my way out of her dark ‘mental cage’. No therapy ever helped me slay her and/or unlock this cage. SO…because it all started in my mind and became something I allowed continually and habitually, I’ve tried (…and I’m still trying) to replace these warped and destructive thoughts with my faith, words that edify, friends that soothe my heart and blogs like this. Love you Alice.
Oh gosh yes. She is alive and kicking over here. And despite my husband’s sometimes incredulous ‘but you know Psalm 139 by heart’ and ‘you know what the bible says’. And despite having worked in mental health and trained people to work with young people with mental health issues it doesn’t make me fixed and okay. Most of my thought patterns spiral out of control, very quickly. I feel like people at church despair of me. I despair of me. Often I feel like God despairs of me, even though in lucid moments I know that is not true, as he sees me through Jesus. Most of my problems stem from trying to be a people pleaser, seeking approval for everything I do. Andy once said to me ‘but you have all the approval you could ever need, in God’. I try to remember this. I often forget, my mind needs constant renewing by Him who made me, and yet I neglect that so much. And I suffer and my family suffer as a result! As for the things that feed her. My perception of my friends makes me hate myself sometimes. And facebook. I avoid it for the most part. A lot of church stuff is posted on our fb group page so I feel like I know nothing if I don’t look in from time to time. But I am not a big fan of the competition that goes on between mums I know and just the general ‘look how great my life is!’ stuff that I am easily drawn in to… I love that you have written about this Alice, thank you for being brave enough to get us talking about these things. It matters a lot. Especially in this world where so many have so little. I have fought against going back to counselling because it feels too’naval-gazy’, but with my gp’s encouragement i went for a cbt assessment last week! Love xxx
Oh CBT has done me the world of good. I loved the person who did it with me saying “hopefully I’ll never see you again!” to me last week! xxx
Debby, I LOVE your remedies – they’re so nourishing and good.
Wow. I thought I was the only one who was having battles with myself in my mind. I could almost cry with relief at this blog and these other comments. Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Thank you.
On the subject of your second paragraph under “We feed her”…
Your blog is amazing. Actually. Firstly, because your Bible-story-telling ideas are (as far as I’m aware) totally unique, refreshing and different. They make SENSE to anyone with tiny children. Second, because WHATEVER you choose to blog about, you are an incredible writer, whose posts are always so enjoyable, humourous, quirky, thought-provoking and challenging. Third, your blog LOOKS amazing – it’s so bright and cheery and airy, that it makes me smile and relax just visiting it, even before I’ve read anything. Fourth, if you think I’m saying this because I know you and I’m biased – well, loads of my friends read your blog or follow you on Facebook, and they don’t know you, so they can’t be doing it just to support you. They must really think it’s as amazing as I do.
I know this isn’t the point of your post, but it had to be said.
xx
Oh Alice these posts are brilliant – I love how you’ve created the ‘She’ – it is such an apt description of that woman in our heads. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts so honestly!
” I see fabulous ideas for playing with the kids, delicious looking meals, lovely clothes, beautiful crafts and toned bodies. She sees a wish list. She sees a challenge.” Ha, that’s me all over I made pasta bake from a jar for tea tonight and boy do I feel a bit rubbish… I saw some friends today and I thought why doesn’t my little girl just sit still and play like theirs…what are they thinking about me when I discipline her, or don’t notice when she tips the milk jug all over the coffee table.
I’m expecting my second baby and I’ve already several knitting patterns and projects in mind as if the baby will think I don’t love it if I just buy it something from a shop.
My expectations are crazy high like you said Alice. I am my own worst enemy more than half the time.
And then I think about how I’ve failed my own expectations let alone God’s and I’m so glad Jesus has lived the perfect life in my place so I don’t have to… I just wished I’d remember that more at those crucial moments when She comes into my head and makes me dance to Her music.