She
On Sunday I was trying to plan for the week ahead and reflect on life. I had a mug of hot chocolate, blank sheets of paper and a bit of quiet. It was lovely – until she showed up. Have you met her? She writes my to-do lists and plans my schedule. She seems very helpful and she’s quite the motivator.
She is the girl who lives in my mind. She has very high expectations. She shows me the person I should be and she reminds me of all the ways I fall short. Every new year’s resolution, each grand plan and turned leaf is born out of my failure to be the woman of my dreams.
The woman of my dreams
Do you want to know what I’m like in my dreams?
I exercise every day. I eat food that is natural, organic, delicious and I never eat more than I need. I have a tidy house which is beautiful and inspiring. I enjoy being outdoors in any weather. I have lovely hair and excellent skin. My clothes are subtly stylish, ethically produced and they are exactly ‘me’.
I feed my children nourishing food which they love. I clean up immediately after they spill things. I create a playful environment for the kids and speak to them in a calm and cheerful voice. I tell people that being a Mum is the best job in the world and I never feel bored or uninspired. Dave and I have a great marriage – we are fun and serious, loving and understanding. We have plenty of time together.
I wake early (because other people say that’s how to be really effective). I read the bible every day, I pray regularly for all my family and my friends. I do a bible time with the kids each day. I’m the kind of Christian who is godly and gentle, who lives a life connected to God. I used to doubt sometimes but I’ve worked through them. I am sure of my beliefs but they never offend anyone. I am conservative enough to fit in with my evangelical friends and progressive enough to fit in with my liberal friends. All Christians feel they can fit with me. There is no question that I know Jesus. In fact, you would envy our closeness.
I serve at church, notice new people and speak to them with confidence knowing just the questions to ask. I work hard in the background and encourage the leaders.
I read for pleasure and to stretch my mind. I write every day. I send letters, answer emails, remember birthdays, answer the phone and reply to every blog comment.
I see my friends regularly and care for them in meaningful ways. I always show my family how important they are to me.
I use money wisely and never just leave all the financial thinking to Dave. I’m both generous and frugal. I don’t waste money, food, time or paper.
I don’t forget things. I have space in my diary for everyone. I’m flexible, spontaneous and organised. I always sign forms from school and remember dinner money and non-uniform days. I’m a useful and well-informed addition to the governing body.
I create. I finish each project I start. I know what all the functions on my camera do. I make things which are always both beautiful and practical.
I never go months between plucking my eyebrows, blow drying my hair or shaving my legs.
A dream or a nightmare?
What do you think of the woman I dream of being?
Her individual qualities are beautiful. Who wouldn’t want to be a wonderful friend and have gorgeous hair? But her demands are incessant – it’s all or nothing. She’s sort of a tyrant. Nowhere in her list of attributes is admission of weakness or acceptance of failure. For her, it’s not enough to manage a little bit sometimes – she wants it all and she is never satisfied.
The problem with the woman I dream of being is that she is not me. She asks a lot. I have let this imaginary woman steal my happiness as she shows me all the ways I am not like her. I’ve have listened when she tells me that I must be fat, useless and weak because I’ve failed her test again. I have believed her when she tells me everyone else achieves her standards. I have tried to tick the boxes on her to-do list. She beats me up and knocks me down. My happiness is her greatest enemy.
She’s clever, the dream girl in my mind. She tells me, “just do this little thing. Just make this small change. Just try a bit harder”. She makes it all sound so easy, so reasonable, so achievable. That’s how she tricks me and convinces me through dissatisfaction to just try a little harder.
Killing the dream
So I’ve taken drastic action. I’ve staged a coup. I’ve got her gagged and bound in the basement of my mind. I’m making a new start. Because she isn’t real – I am. Hairy legs and all.
to be continued… (the next post in the series is here)
but for now I’d love to know your thoughts:
- Do you aspire to be a ‘better’ version of yourself?
- Are your expectations of yourself kind, realistic and inspiring or do they serve to discourage and dishearten you?
- Are you self-assured or do you look to others for affirmation?
- How much do other people’s opinions of you (real or imagined) determine the decisions you make and the way you behave?
- Have you got any tips for making goals in a less self-flagelating way?!
I LOVE YOU. This is fantastic. It’s like you’re narrating my thoughts, hairy legs and all xxx
This is sooooo true
)
That woman is in my head too!
Thankyou
Wow, food for thought, at least I’m not the only one with hairy legs and unplucked eyebrows !
I sometimes describe myself as a puppy, wagging my tail and trying to please everyone so I can have a well done pat on the head. If we treated our friends like we treat our selves, we wouldn’t have any! Great piece of writing Alice.
She sounds like a terrible friend: making everyone feel bad by being so perfect. I’d rather have you.
I have this idea of me, and the thing that makes it worse is when I pull it off for a couple of days: I tidied the kitchen before going to bed! Truly I am wonder-woman! And when it isn’t sorted it is obviously the fault of hubby…
I think I’m more self-assured than I used to be, but I’m wracking my brains and I can’t think how this has happened. Probably means it was Jesus
Thank you for sharing. I think we all need to tell her to shut up (in a caring Christian manor!)
We place far too much pressure on ourselves. Why do we not allow ourselves to just be and trust that God has placed us in the right place at the right time?
I am re-evaluating who I am and what I do and where I spend my time at the moment. It’s a hard journey and I’m still not clear where my priorities need to be. However I know that I want that to be where God wants me it’s ‘just’ a case of figuring our where that is. Maybe that’s on the sofa right now still not dressed, with a bowlful of washing up needing to be done, a washing full of wet washing beeping at me because it needs hanging up, the dishwasher full to bursting and with hairy legs!
Thank you xx
I know that dream woman! She also lives in me, although my version actually has hairy legs because she has the integrity to stick to her feminist principles and not shave just to conform to the world and stop her friends freaking out. She also grows all of her own vegetables, has solar panels on her roof and is everyone’s favourite neighbour.
What I hate about the pressure to be this woman is that when I’m trying my hardest I still seem to be disappointing the people closest to me…because I am too thinly stretched. I am seeking the courage to let go of the dream, but it’s hard – no-one ever seems to say ‘dream smaller’ or think it’s a good thing…
Aliiiice, this is so brilliant!
Why, WHY do we do this to ourselves? Social media, love it though I do, makes this so much worse for me. All the uber stylish 28 year olds with perfect lives (to take one stereotype!), make me feel, to my shame, not only inspired sometimes, but as often utterly lumpen and over the hill and somehow having got it all wrong these years, it is CRAZY and I know irrational, but that little voice that says, ‘your taste isn’t quite cool enough, you let your child play with ugly plastic toys, what, you don’t always make your own spelt artisan bread )- you FAILURE!!’ Waaaa!How insane, why do I listen? And the blogs that really press this button for me – pozygetscozy, junkaholique, Pia Jane Bijkerk et al – are so lovely and joyful, why do I make myself feel badly, so dumb.
This is such a fantastic, relevent, honest post – you have really hit the nail on the head and I am sure so many women would relate. Beautifully written too, a book coming?
I don’t know the answer, but I think realising that self-comparison is deathly and vile, and making friends with who we are, without always feeling the compulsion strive to be perfect, must be at the core of it? How to achieve that, not sure. Partly mental discipline and self awareness – but the balance of wanting to be the best we can be whilst not beating ourselves up for being that ‘best’ – hmmm, it is a hard balance. Could we explore this a bit more – could you find some actionable routes to help us out? Bxxx
Hi Alice!
Devastating the way insecurities can plague many of us. When we focus on Jesus and not on ourselves, these problems start to retreat slightly I think. Unfortunately we live in a navel-gazing culture where our pride makes “others’ perception of us” the highest priority. And personality types vary enormously on this one, I have observed!
“She can laugh at the days to come.” Prov 31v25.
Much love to you and yours; hope you are doing ok. xx
Oh Alice, I’ve read your blog since the beginning; lurking in the background as always. However, your post has really resonated with me this morning. I snorted with recognition at so many levels – why do we all want to be the same woman? What a nightmare world that would be! I’ve always been a coper and confidant at projecting as much of this ‘woman’ as possible but this term I’ve just realised that I can’t teach anymore therefore quit – one term in and failing so starting to learn all sorts of lessons about who I really am and how much God loves me for who I am not who I project myself as. Good for the soul and for growing more like Jesus in a genuine way not an “I hope other people are watching way!’
Much love and keep posting. Love Hannah
I think you have identified that this paragon who is chipping away at you wouldn’t actually be someone any of us would like to be around! We wouldn’t believe all that soft spoken, godly kindness and would suspect that all was not well beneath the surface. That seems like good enough reason to step back and think, hang on, maybe she isn’t my dream woman after all – she’s just a bully and I don’t want to be like that. Many, many years ago I came across the concept of “good-enough parenting” and (lazy though it may be) I have sort of made it a mantra for life. I do try my best to do the things that matter well, but I know that I can’t do everything so some things are just done OK and some things are not done at all. (It’s definitely OK not to know how all the settings on your camera work!) I do still sometimes sink into despair about my lack of housewifely, tidy skills, but mostly I accept things how they are.
Fantastic writing again Alice.
We all have a place in the world. If we’re trying to be someone (or something) else then who is doing what we are meant to be doing? Who is being the person we are supposed to be?
When you compare yourself to others you’re comparing the WHOLE of yourself with PART of someone else. We’re all too familiar with out own faults and failings but we compare ourselves with the polished public image of others. Not a fair comparison at all!
Time to think about what we expose ourselves to – whether it’s unhelpful “friends”, the media or our own internal voice of criticism. If it isn’t helping us be what we’re meant to be then it isn’t helping us at all.
The woman who wrote this IS the significant version of a woman I’d want to know. YOU…ARE…BRILLIANT…ALICE. Just keep being YOU, hairy legs and all!
Everything you wrote is so true, and obviously for so many of us, reading the other comments so far! I have no idea what the answer is to this demanding woman who seems to be lurking inside us all. It can’t be wrong to have aspirations, to identify areas of our selves that could do with some improvement. Maybe we should be celebrating every little achievement over the baseline, rather than checking off the failures to come up to the target standard. For example, a bible story and prayers at bedtime are part of my daughter’s routine. If I can read from my grown-up bible and pray myself too, that’s brilliant, but when I can’t, then at least I’ve had *some* input. And often the passage in the children’s bible is exactly what I need to hear from God at that time
No mother of young children can do all the things she’d like. I reckon there’s no point to having more than three things on your to do list for any one day. Sometimes maybe only one. That’s on top of the life support things like getting out of the house (or bed) and clothed, fed and clean(ish). I think if I actually met the woman who could do all that dream stuff I’d probably not be able to stand her! x
“I’ve got her gagged and bound in the basement of my mind.” – brilliant! Please say you are planning to share with us how you managed to achieve this?
This reminded me too of Proverbs 31, which also makes me feel such a loser. It is only since starting an online daily study with other girlfriends [Good Morning Girls .org if anyone's interested] that I have managed to rise before my kids – and they get up EARLY. I drag myself kicking and screaming to sit up in bed and open the bible – why is that so hard? I am not the lady of Proverbs.
And that ‘Perfect Alice’ would be so weird and suspicious to us, because we KNOW that inside us all is a horrid sinful person clawing to get out, failing on every level.
Let’s start the Hairy Legged Ladies club, and rejoice in the freedom we have – we are only asked to perservere after all… so where do our high standards come from?
Thanks Alice,
xc
Wow Alice! Look at all the comments. Obviously this is a common way of thinking for so many of us. I’ve realised I’m particularly like this after reading one of those glossy home magazines that have women who work full time, have 2 perfect children, a vegetable patch and have just climbed Mount Everest for charity. Theire houses are immaculate and they even have white sofa’s and carpet without a single stain on them. I always feel like such an under-achiever when I look at these well groomed, super skinny women. I
n the end I realised the best thing was to stop reading those magazines as they always left me dissatisfied with my life. I’ve also recently realised that I only ever compare myself to people who I think are doing better than me never to people who are worse off than me. Not only that, I make all sorts of assumptions about these people that I have no evidence for. I’m currently working on not comparing myself to anyone and trying to set realistic goals. It’s a great encouragement to me to see you doing the same. Thanks for the honest post Alice – hopefully you can start a blogging revolution where everyone can be honest about who they really are. xxx
thank you for posting this… brillent…
Thanks too for your honesty…. keep writing!
Oh I know this woman! Well I know a voice that tells me that I am not her! That voice is extremely harsh, in fact I think she probably writes articles for the Daily Mail – about women in their late 30s leaving it too late to have children; how pathetic it is to not have a mortgage at 37; how emotionally stunted people like me are for not having a proper relationship until now, etc, etc.
But enough about that mean old women, for I am trying to be kinder myself this year. A thing I am trying to bear in mind is this lovely saying: Be kind to yourself, it’s hard to be happy when someone is being mean to you all the time
I saw it here first:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/92493172/be-nice-to-yourself-inspirational-quote?ref=v1_other_1
x
Alice this is a great post. I can totally relate to it. I don’t think facebook helps – we all try to portray the best image of ourselves we can, but most days it isn’t real! Thank God that He knows each one of us, loves us and wants us to serve Him as we are. He doesn’t require us to be the best at everything (including cooking, thankfully for me – I hate it!).
Keep blogging Alice – I love your writing. x
The ‘other woman’ wrote a to-do list for me yesterday…its horrendously long! Its just not going to happen is it?! haha. this is brilliant Alice…x
Alice, this is simply brilliant. Your gift for articulating thoughts and issues is truly exceptional and inspiring. You’ve put into words things I think but that I hadn’t even clarified yet in my own mind. What you wrote completely resonates with me. Yet, though I know that that dream woman would be irritatingly perfect in real life and make me feel insecure, I know I still hanker after being her. What silly double standards and hypocrisy is that? My dream woman is just like yours, and she’d also be a perfect baker, and able to rustle up a little something out of a bedsheet on her sewing machine whenever her children had a topic day at school. Your blog post is just brilliant, and by highlighting the unpalatability of the dream woman, you really have helped me pop the bubble of her. You make it beautifully clear why aspiring to be like her is not worth it – I am better for my family and my friends than my dream woman is. (Though I still want to work towards the baking prowess, and the not shouting at my children so much bit! I can keep those bits, right?!!!!)
Hi Alice – I too have read your blog a few times and found it really helpful, though haven’t commented before. This post resonated with me in many ways too! It is an ongoing journey to find the balance between striving to be the best mum/wife/child of God etc that I can be, yet resting in God’s grace and accepting that He loves me for who I am right now, failures and all. However, I far too often fall into the trap of trying to please the woman you described above, I think she must live in most of us!!
One thing I have found really helpful is having some older and wiser Christian women in church who have been willing to share their lives with me – I look up to them and they are great examples to me in how they are in their homes, at church, with friends etc, but they don’t hide their weaknesses and frustrations from me either, and are happy to ask me to pray for them in their struggles as well as asking me how they can pray for me. It helps me when I let people like them influence me more than the glossy magazines (or the single skinny younger friends!!)
Oh – and also, some wise person once said to me that it’s much healthier for children to see their parents make mistakes sometimes and say sorry than to have a ‘perfect’ parent to live up to. So we’re ‘better’ mums if we mess up sometimes!
Right – back to that to-do list
Ruth x
That woman makes me scream inside a lot. I can’t and never will be her and it helps to read your post and see these comments…so how do we get her to leave us alone?
Ha, ha Alice you are a jewel!
All the things that that woman says and subtly drips into our negative backchat (especially when we are tired). Can’t wait for the next installment. Also that woman also never ever swears, not even in her head..
Brilliant Alice I love how you write, Miranda on telly is my role model
I just want to add my yes and amen x
Hugs to you, Alice, for wise words.
I too would highly recommend the concept of ‘good enough’ parenting – in fact, good enough everything.
I’m sure you must have noticed my habitual unshaved, unplucked, unironed, unpolished look. If so – that’s me being ‘good enough’ – clean, prepared for important things like Bible Study (usually!) – but not even trying for the unattainable!
And, if you’ve not noticed – that just proves the point of how unimportant these things are!
Hi Alice, my cousin (in NZ) sent me (in Aus) a link to your post. Loved reading this. I think for me, it’s not so much my expectations of myself but my comparing of my inside to other people’s outside image. Comparenvy I guess. It’s a killer disease but am dousing it with chemicals and burning it much like you’re tying up the woman of your dreams in the basement and gagging her. Thank God for grace and mercy in bucketloads. Great to meet you, Sophie x
This woman is in my head too and she is also very demanding…in fact as I sat down at the computer I was about to write a list of all the things she wants me to achieve today but God lead me to this post and I’m feeling a little less inclined to bow to her demands…
thanks for such an insightful post x
Ever seen that story (on FB) where the husband comes home and the house and kids are chaos and the wife says “when you ask me what I do all day, well today I DIDN’T do it”?! Well, I DON”T relate to that at all!!!!! My poor husband comes home to utter chaos every day. Although I think I’m chasing around non-stop all day he has to clear up while I do mega-marathon breastfeeding all evening with a baby who won’t take a bottle, and thinks that her bedtime is later than mine!!!!
I seem to spend my time saying “hurry, we’re in a rush”. Teeth brushing is a battle-ground and my toddler runs around upstairs licking the carpet (having been told not to eat off the floor). My nearly 3-year old isn’t potty trained and has a remarkable ability to need changing at inopportune moments (ie TWICE as I dropped him off at pre-school this am). I get all hot and bothered trying to change him whilst wearing a woolly hat in silly places (because my hair is unwashed), whilst holding a giant baby. Not stylish.
I dread people dropping in unexpectedly.
I could go on…. I think, what really matters is to love as best you can. In the end I’ll look back on these as the best years of my life. And I won’t remember the hairy legs.
Never mind the girl in my head. I have a friend that is like this! Also my Mum was like superwoman. It’s hard to live up to!
[...] – I’m just overwhelmed (in a joyful way) about the reaction to my previous post – thank you all so much for your honesty. I’ll be following it up very soon. [...]
[...] a few days ago I read Alice’s blog, where she talks about the person she aspires to be - and wonders whether it’s really right, or helpful, to dream of becoming such a [...]
[...] see most of you have met Her. The women who whispers poison into our minds. We agree She is a bully, we agree that the woman She [...]
How did you get into my head? Wonderful writing as usual. Please don’t change!
Dear Alice, I’ve just found you and this … this woman is all my shoulds… all the shoulds I let grind me down, because even though I should be (insert any attainment you like from eating sensibly to prayer regularly with my son), I don’t and the more I don’t the more I get stuck not doing. I don’t wish her on anyone, but am bolstered and encouraged that so many other women struggle with her too!
Alice, I found this to me a narration of my thoughts exactly. I’ve been thinking about Her too recently and I’ve sort of been stuck in circles. My favourite quotes are “I’m both frugal and generous” (that’s really funny!) and the bit about being organised, spontaneous and flexible all at the same time – summarises the impossibility of pleasing Her. I’m looking forward to going through the rest of the series over a couple of days.