Play On The Word

drugs, books and brick dust

By alice Tuesday December 3, 2013

What do you mean it’s been 2 months since I wrote anything here?

It can’t be. *checks dates* Oh.

I’m emerging from a pretty dark couple of months. I’ve been taking some anti-depressants which have helped and I’m feeling a lot more like me. I’m grateful to be on a waiting list for some counselling. It’s not been fun and I’m still not quite ‘right’ but I’ve been able to manage to do the basics of life a little better recently. I expect I’ll write more about this at some point.

There have been some really good bits though …

I finished my book! (cue firework sounds!). It’s now down to Alison to work her editing magic and Andre, the designer, to make it look good. It feels like such a massive achievement to write a whole entire book! As a rule, I am terrible at actually finishing things. I had the idea for the book nearly two years ago so it’s been part of life for a while. I’m not sure exactly when it will be released (or, in fact, what it will be called!) but I hope it’ll be available before the long summer holidays next year.

Dave and I celebrated with pink fizz and tasty food and I’ve got a facial booked at a nice salon as a little reward for managing to get the book finished before my deadline.

We took our house off the market and are using the money we would have spent on the move to make some significant improvements to the house. Of course this means every room is covered in brick dust and we’re constantly tripping over all those things that get moved from room to room with each job, but I’m back in love with our lovely house.

I read an amazing book. When We Were On Fire by Addie Zierman was like reading my own secrets. I recommend it very, very much.

I wrote something completely different. In November I used NaNoWriMo as a motivator to begin a novel I’ve had brewing in my mind for the last year. I had no real intention of reaching the 50,000 word goal but it gave me impetus to just get started and see where the words went. I have really, really enjoyed it. I have no idea if what I’ve written so far is any good or what’s going to happen next in the story but I’d like to carry on with it. It’s been so lovely to do something simply for the pleasure of it.

So, it’s December then …

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I’m sure you’re all working wonderfully hard at all your Advent activities and have each planned an extravaganza for the entire month of December, but I am taking it easy. As well as being mentally fragile I’m also very spiritually fragile. I’ve prayed that our family will all know and be more certain of God’s love for us at the end of December than we were at the start. That’s enough, right?

If you’re looking for some Advent ideas, a few years ago I produced a resource full of stories, play ideas, recipes and ways of celebrating the birth of Jesus. You can download the resource for free by clicking here, scrolling down and downloading the various PDFs. Use these in any way that is helpful to you or any groups you work with.

How have you been? I’ve missed you.

Full of feelings

By alice Saturday October 5, 2013

We’ve had one of those days.

Except really it’s been one of those weeks and those weeks have turned into months. Dan had two tricky things to cope with today – Dave scored a goal while they played football in the garden, and then Sunderland scored against United in the 4th minute of the match he’d been excited about all day. Tricky moments, but his reaction to both incidents was slightly dramatic – total sobbing hopelessness.

And so we had a chat.

After a while of talking and hugging I said, “I think you and I are a bit full of feelings at the moment.”

“Yes, I really am”, said Dan.

“It’s OK to be full of feelings, but when you’re really full of feelings they spill out really easily.”

I grabbed his cup and filled it half-way with water. “Look. If you’ve just got a few feelings and something makes you wobble, you might feel a bit shaky but it’s OK.” I shook the cup and we watched the water swirl and then settle. Then I filled the cup to the top. “But if you’re full of feelings, when something makes you wobble, your feelings just spill out.” – I shook the cup and the water sploshed out. “It might spill out with crying or shouting or getting cross or wanting to throw stuff. It’s really hard isn’t it?”

“Yeah. What feelings are you full of, Mum?”

I told him I was feeling sad that God didn’t seem to be answering my prayers and that made me feel lonely and that he didn’t care about me, I told him I was finding some other things hard too, I told him I felt sad that I am not the kind of Mummy I want to be. And I told him those feelings spill into me shouting and being cross and crying and wanting to throw things. He knows.

I don’t know what to do about all Dan’s feelings and I’m not sure what to do about mine either. But I’m full and I’m spilling all over the place.

Do you ever get full of feelings? What helps you?

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